Que sera, sera...

This is it then - the next stage after Simon’s ‘That’s that then’ on the end of our time at Ridley. Tomorrow the pre-ordination retreat begins, from which we emerge to robe and process into the cathedral. And it will be interesting to find out who emerges from the cathedral in my skin after the service. Will it be a life-changing experience?
Current life has been busy since Leavers’ Day but also not quite real, a bit dreamlike. I’ve managed a few, not very good, games of golf and spent a lot of money. The vicarage is more or less liveable in, and will become more so. Things became more real today when we sorted out what I will be doing on Sunday at my first service and official appearance in the benefice. And it looks as if I might well experience the first funeral of my ordained ministry shortly after, with a PCC meeting and confirmation class on the horizon too. I am very glad that the head verger where I was on placement last summer went through how to assist at the table in a eucharist so I am not completely ignorant of my role. But it would have been nice to know why some of the things are done the way they are – it can’t all be hygiene and neatness, must be some theology under it all somewhere…isn’t there?

The Monster Raving Loony Party...

Elsewhere David has written about the weirdness of being a Returner at Ridley and watching many friends leaving as they graduate to ordination and learning how to be a curate. It is indeed, as he writes, why we are at Ridley in the first place – except I wasn’t, as for four terms I was an independent student paying my way, like most students would like to instead of racking up debts. Being freed up and resourced by redundancy enabled me to do whatever I wanted for a few years. And I ended up choosing to study theology in a theological college surrounded by ordinands and priests…adamant that God was not calling me along the path to ordination. Well, yes…
I was thrown on reflecting how I have got to where I am now – to be Revd’ed in a few days – when, by a series of coincidences, I met someone I haven’t seen for about 3 years. Ushered into a room and the door shut, the ‘How are things?’ conversation quickly changed into ‘How did you get to this stage?’ to me. You get quite used to giving your testimony as an ordinand – provides handy sermon illustrations if nothing else – so off I went. But by return came back the surprising statement ‘I am a Christian now.’ My history was described as ‘more dramatic than many’ by the Bishops’ Advisory Panel (why, oh why, choose a title with the acronym BAP?) but the story I was told was truly the work of God. And I indentified with the puzzlement and ‘How have I got here? What is going on? What do I do now my life has been turned upside down but makes so much sense?’ And the ‘I’m going to be put in the Loony category now…’ fear.
At college you are protected to some extent from the Loony label as you are all Loonies together and being Loony is normal. Several Ridley ordinands have commented that a problem with being at a theological college is that you spend nearly all of your time with Christians (and Muslims this past year), all Loonies. In less than a week I will be back in ‘normal’ society but firmly labelled as a Loony by my profession and dress. It helps that during the time at Ridley I still did ‘secular’ things that I had done before and my circle includes many non-Christians – some of whom are coming to the ordination. Moving to the Fens means that I have to find new groups to join – if I have the time. But one thing that I value about the Church of England is precisely that it is the Church of England. The cure of all souls in our parishes is given to me (jointly, of course) whether they are fellow Loonies or not. If I spend all my time with Loonies like me then I will not doing what I will be ordained to do. Quite how I get the balance right and manage to be be a Loony in a really loony world will be interesting to work out…
Please pray for my friend if you are a Loony, and if you are not, well, you can still pray…

This week I am mainly...

Life at the moment consists of spending lots of money on things that I am not that interested in, ie, furniture and stuff for houses, in order that the vicarage can become ‘home’ for the next three or four years. It seems to be coming together relatively easily and gradually – so far so good – but I suspect that some of the bedrooms will never have very much in them. Most of my friends are OK about sleeping on floors anyway. My mother was very good at home making in the ‘House and Garden’ style and I have pondered for years why I am not. Or, rather, why I am not interested in it – I could do it if I was bothered enough. Is this a failing, a character flaw? Or perhaps just a question of priorities? I appreciate beautiful things in a beautiful house but when visiting a stately home or National Trust place I am much more interested in the building than what is inside it. And as for ornaments and nicknacks, I have fought all my life to avoid having any. But people give them to you… Fortunately, because I will have rather a lot of it, I like uncluttered space.
It is tempting to think that I am following the instructions given to the twelve disciples in Matthew 10 – ‘…take no gold, or silver, or copper in your belts, no bag for your journey, or two tunics, or sandals or staff…’ – or am being very Franciscan. And I do like to ‘travel lightly’. But the truth is that I would much rather spend my time doing other things than searching out that curtain material that would make the dining room just perfect – difficult when the carpet is a honey beige and the walls are light pink… (Yes, it really is.) Just paint everything white or neutral, have neutral coloured carpets, and keep everything minimalist, plain and unfussy, and that will suit me very well.
Just as long as I can have lots of books; the vice of the clergy it seems, given the high rate of theft from theological libraries, the state of most vicar’s studies that I’ve been in, and the amount of shelving already in my study…

and in the end...

As my fellow C Staircase Leaver and now fellow ex-staircase steward Simon hints in his blog, this last period at Ridley is turning out to be a curious time. We know that come Thursday or Friday we are out of here, having handed back our keys and loaded our books and study stuff into our cars. From being a returner for the past two years, I know, too, that being here after the Leavers have left is a curious time too. Then I was aware that things felt different – familiar, and loved, faces were no longer around, especially in the shared study, and the dining hall suddenly seemed very empty. This year I am here – going to meetings about next year’s Lent book, clergy finance or how to manage pressure (perhaps a bit late there then?) and still trying to get as much done for the dissertation as possible – but not here, because my mind and thoughts are also on organising this at the vicarage or phoning that person up to check that they know how to get to Ely on the 30th or have got the precious blue or yellow card that promotes them eastwards down the nave. I feel that I am in a sort of limbo – which I suppose I might be, being a ‘baby’ priest not yet ordained.
There is a sort of unreal quality about life at college, a marking of time, some of which is filled by things like a session on the ordainal and a dramatised reading of the service with our own temporary Bishop of Ridley, Bishop Matt (complete with shaven head and eyebrow stud). Very spooky. And the rest is filled with admin and trying to do some more on the dissertation, most of which will have to be done over the summer.
It is also a time of Last Things – the last normal college communion, the last Monday and Friday staircase prayers, the last Thursday MP homily… It’s not sad or happy but noted in a more or less detached way. After Thursday many of us will never meet each other again, which, having spent two or three years together and sharing our vulnerabilities, is strange to contemplate. At least knowing people well makes email conversations easier. Morning prayer in chapel on Wednesday – for the last time – was very special; beautifully led by Simon and with the sun striking through the east stained glass window spectacularly. St Peter was highlighted while Christ and the other three apostles were lit rather moodily – which I will think about further… I think of all things I will miss morning prayer in chapel the most.
The day ended with the final of the croquet tournament – a match of very high quality, by far the best I have seen here – contested by two pairs containing between them three staff members and one first year ordinand. The staff pairing won although I would award individual honours to the ordinand player – he’s so good I wonder if he has played the game before coming to Ridley.
Later today it’s morning prayers and breakfast on our staircases – the last chance to taste Simon’s wonderful scrambled eggs. Then sometime I have to pack up the books ready to take them to the vicarage (my vicarage!) on Friday. And wrestle with the various utilities to get them to do what I need them to do. Back to real life again – no more swanning around as a student.
And I’m looking forward to it…

Democracy rules...OK?

What is the Kingdom like? This morning we thanked God for the right we have in this country to be governed democratically and prayed for those countries and people who are not thus blessed. What is the Kingdom like? Was Jesus a democrat? Did he promote majority rule? What are our rights according to him? Are the needs of social justice, by definition concerning minorities, met best in a democracy?

It’s just that the difference between what rules our nations and what rules in the Kingdom struck me very forcefully this morning. Yes, pray for the removal of oppression and the denial of what most agree are rights for humanity. But pray and work for more than a democratic government system alone. Rights come with responsibilities.

But we have no rights at all really – just grace.